Recently, I received a question from one of my readers, who asks:
“Does a few seconds of negativity from your partner/ friend/ neighbor in the face of your total positive outlook, affect what you are trying to manifest?”
and it’s such a great question — and one that I receive variations of often — that I’ll answer it here for the greater benefit to all.
What can you do if you’re trying to stay positive but someone who shares your household is a Doug or Debbie Downer?
The truth is that it can be very difficult to maintain your good vibes when someone is in your space knocking you down. First let me explain why this happens:
1. The Gap. In close relationships, when one person starts to grow, it causes friction in the relationship, because there is a gap between you two. As you continue to grow, the gap widens, creating even more friction. Eventually, one of three things will happen:
– you may scale back your growth, thereby lessening the gap (though likely creating misery for you, now that you’ve had a taste of what’s possible)
– your partner may decide to grow, thereby lessening friction and closing the gap
– your partner does nothing, and as you continue to grow, the gap widens and the relationship terminates
This is difficult news, as you may not be ready or willing to end the relationship. But such is the cost of growth. Patience goes a long way in these situations, as you cannot force the partner to grow – he/she will only do so when he/she is ready.
2. Mirror Mirror. It’s tough to hear but sometimes you have negativity in your space because doubt or fear is buried inside of you and it’s simply being reflected to you by people in your environment. Clear your own fears and watch the exterior circumstances change to match.
3. Excusitis. In his book “The Magic of Thinking Big,” Dr. David Schwarz talks about “excusitis” — how we tend to use excuses why we can’t achieve the goals we want. In some cases, the person is using their negative partner as an excuse why they can’t succeed on their own. But ultimately, we are each responsible for our own actions. The buck stops with you.
The first step in dealing with this negative partner situation is to honestly evaluate why the situation is occurring. Is it #1, 2, or 3 above? If it’s #1, then it’s helpful to know it’s going to be a tough haul, at least in the short run. There will be friction and you can look for ways to assuage the situation. For example, you can gently encourage your partner to be more open-minded, you can ask him or her to read a book that is important to you so you can share and discuss it, you can invite him or her to listen or watch something you’ve recently found helpful, or to accompany you to an event to get some shared experience in your current area of growth.
If the problem is #2, then it’s a good idea for you to look at your underlying beliefs, which may include:
– I’m not good enough
– I’ll probably fail
– What if it doesn’t work?
– What if it doesn’t work for me?
Completely clearing your own blocks and self-doubts around your endeavors and intentions will do more than speed up your results – it will almost always eradicate the negativity that comes in at you from others. It always amazes me how we can change one thing about ourselves and suddenly everyone around us seems to be acting differently.
If the problem is #3, then ask yourself: what am I afraid would happen if I succeeded at this today? The answer is likely the source of your excusitis, and once you know the source, you know what there is to clear.
Your partner cannot hold you back without your permission. Decide today, right now, that you will not be a victim any longer. Take personal responsibility for your goals, your successes, and your failures. The more responsibility you take, the more you will achieve and the faster you will get free from your past stumbles.
You can do this. Go for it!